I’ve been thinking, yes, yes I know. Scary. Whatever.

This being open thing is so weird. Making myself vulnerable… man. Trusting…wow. And you know what’s even weirder about this? How did I become this way? How did I end up this shell of a person that God has to show me who I am?

I was saved at the age of 5/6 years old. I know a lot of people don’t think a child of that age can make that decision and it be real. Trust me it was real. I remember it. I remember being little and the love I had for Jesus was just overwhelming. The love I had for others was huge because of Jesus. I remember vividly how I used to pray when I was little. Man, I could quote scripture like no bodies business. And had total faith that God could heal me. It didn’t trip me up at all that He didn’t heal me because I knew He was God and could do whatever He wanted.

My parents… I don’t remember a time where mom wasn’t a Christian. I do remember back before dad came back to God. But he came back when I was 6/7. And they raised my brother and I up right. There willingness to go wherever God says is where I get my willingness from.

The confidence I had then. In God, in myself and in my relationship with him.

When did I lose that? How? Where did I go wrong that I turned into this mere shadow of a person that God has to show me how to be around people? How to feel? How to trust? To learn my self worth. To see who I am in Him. How to be confident. (And even stranger... through all these I never stopped seeking God and His will for my life.)

You know, most people they have really good reasons for it. They were abused, neglected, etc etc. I don’t have a reason like that. I don’t have a reason for me turning in on myself.

I child couldn’t be more loved than the way I was/am by my mom. She’s has always wanted to be a mom. That’s all she has ever wanted. In fact that is her first memory is of wanting to be a mommy. Personally, I think it was because her parents weren’t the greatest and she wanted to make up for that. (BTW they were wonderful grandparents. They changed in their older years) Now, mom she has the reasons to be like I am.

And dad. He loves me, he doesn’t show it all that well but I understand why. (LOL If you met his parents you would too.)And again, he has reasons to be like I am.

I didn’t have a childhood like either of them had. It wasn’t the easiest childhood. We were poor. I’m not sure I knew it. I mean I knew we didn’t have money but I didn’t really mind. When we couldn’t afford gas… we cooked outside on the grill… my brother and I loved that! Nothing like breakfast cooked out on a fire. My brother and I always had very active imaginations so we had no problem getting by on less. We never starved…. All though I will say that 3-month period, where all we ate was beans… I couldn’t look at a bean for 20 years. Beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner is odd (FYI When you eat beans that much… it’s really sad when it starts tasting like good food… or God’s mercy. Those beans tasted like Whataburgers a lot! LOL). Ate a lot of ramon around ten… still can’t eat those. LOL

So all in all, wasn’t a bad childhood. In my teens? I don’t know. Maybe that’s when I started changing. I have mentioned before the thing I had to surrender this summer that I know a huge chunk of my unworthiness comes from. I guess it’s possible that this all stems from that. (Some of you have heard that story. I’m still not ready to share it in such a public forum but if you are curious email me, I just might tell you… seeing as God keeps making me share it.) But I don’t think so. Some how I think God has other things yet to be revealed to me.

I do believe that a good portion is generational. On both sides of my family all the generations going back are the same, same issues. And I know I’ve done genealogy research on them. So yeah it’s generational. But that’s not all. God isn’t done with me.

Slowly layer by layer He is peeling away each layer revealing more of me that He created to be. Not this outward shell of a person… but the beautiful Daughter of the King. Slowly I’m becoming who I am.

These days are passing over me ~At the speed of light ~And standing here in their shadows~ I'm silenced at the sight ~Like water on the wind I sense the change to come ~All that I've held in like teardrops run ~I am clay and I am water ~Falling forward in this order ~While the world spins 'round so fast ~Slowly I'm becoming who I am ~Nothing ever stays the same ~The wheel will always turn ~I feel the fire in the change ~But somehow it doesn't burn ~Like a beggar blessed I stumble in the Grace ~Reaching out my hand for what awaits ~I will live ~From my heart ~And I will catch the lines of love as they come ~Back to You ~I know they'll lead ~And into You ~I know I'll lean

~~Margaret Becker~~ Clay And Water

(Wow, this is SO not where I thought I was going to go tonight.)

Blessings y’all!

I'm busy working and you're BLOGGING? LOL

Beautiful post. Can't wait to see all God reveals.

Plan on blogging anytime soon? :)

Wow, long post! Great job!

Hey there!:)I loved the post, mostly because you are opening up a little and letting God shine you up. He's revealing the beautiful woman of God. o:)

Love you!

Heather, you are so special. God is doing some amazing things in your life. I feel so priviledged to be a part of that life and see your beautiful wings unfold. Love you!

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