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Saturday, November 5th 2005

1:32 AM

I’m better than you did you know that? Yeah shocked me too. I apparently have this attitude that I put myself above people. This is something God showed me this week. And trust me it isn’t a easy pill to swallow. There are two different aspects to this.

First one. God has granted me the gift of discernment and a prophetic gift… which I have a tendency to sound all knowing or act all knowing. And that’s not my intent… or maybe it is. I don’t know. But it’s wrong.

Second one. I tend to put myself in the roll as “good friend”, always there to listen, I will ask you how you are doing… and mean it on a deeper level than just being polite in my asking. And that puts me above you. Which makes me better. Which means I can hide me because let’s be honest the majority of people LOVE to talk about themselves. So they forget that I have stuff going on too because I’m so good about making you feel comfortable to talk. So hello we know I like to hide, hate being open. And I pride myself on being a good friend. (Which I guess with this revelation it means I’m not.)

But here’s the kicker. I do this because it validates me. Which comes from unworthiness (yeah I know y’all are tired of hearing about that… but hey I have to deal with it and it’s my blog. LOL) I also think I have the tendency to think that I’m not worthy of having friends… or having people know me, the real me, so by being the good friend… I get the benefit of friendship. Hmmm not sure how much sense that made… but surely y’all are used to that from me by now.

And just so you know, I’m not sitting here thinking when people are telling me what’s up with them, “blah blah blah they talk a lot but hey I’m a good friend.” Not at all. Despite my screwed upness I really do care about y’all. I feel your pain when y’all talk about it or avoid talking about it.

Anyways, I’m sure that this will be taken the wrong way but for some sick reason I feel the need to be honest here. I’m not sure of all the ramifications of this seeing as this is something He is still showing me about. But there you have it.

Blessings y’all.

10 spoken.

Posted by Robin:

LOL, Heather...you crack me up. I think to a degree, all of us find some way to mentally put ourselves "above" someone else. I think it's the fleshy way we all deal with our personality flaws. Yeah, such and such may be better at whatever, but I'M so much better at whatever. And therein is the realization that it AIN'T all about us...it's all about HIM. Hard pill to swallow? You betcha. But like I tell my kids when I'm shoving the disgusting medicene down their throats, "once you get it down, you'll feel so much better"!

Blessings to ya, girl! Hang tough. God's doing some mighty work in you! :)
Saturday, November 5th 2005 @ 9:48 AM

Posted by ValMarie:

I agree with Robin's comments. And I've definitely had to swallow that hard teaching that it's not all about me when God reveals what my pride is doing to my relationships.
Saturday, November 5th 2005 @ 10:06 AM

Posted by Camy Tang:

Robin hit the nail on the head. And I understand what you're talking about. But it's also exciting God is trying to BREAK you from those feelings of unworthiness by helping you see where you do feel unworthy and how that's just a lie.

You're doing great, hun. We all love you.
Camy
Saturday, November 5th 2005 @ 5:55 PM

Posted by Robin Miller:

WOO HOO...I have TWO people agreeing with me! MAN, they must be some BRILLIANT women! :)
Saturday, November 5th 2005 @ 6:01 PM

Posted by Lauren:

Ooohh...boy, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have found myself in that position too many times only to think later that I needed to talk, too. But of course, I care about the other person, so it's important that they get their stuff out.

Sheesh!:P
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